About exactly one year ago we went to the hospital for our tour. We had time to process the news about Jace’s heart, and now it was time to see where we would be spending a lot of time. This was a much different experience than our hospital tour before our daughter was born. Our daughter was born in Vail, where all the rooms look out onto the beautiful ski slopes and million dollar homes. The tour in Vail was pretty short and sweet, as there are only 8 or so birthing/recovery rooms.

It was not the rooms or the view that made this hospital tour different however. It was the fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what could happen. We met with the NICU doctor, who was a kind man but also gave us some harsh facts about what could happen. While he was talking, I had to tune him out and say over and over to myself, “God is my baby’s doctor. God is my baby’s doctor.”

We then met with our baby’s surgeon for the first time. He gave us an hour of his time, explaining the surgeries and answering any questions we had. He is a wonderful man and our talk with him gave us hope.

To end the day, we had the actual hospital tour. The nurse giving us the tour showed us the rooms where I would give birth and what would happen right after the baby was born. I could hold the baby, but only for 5 minutes or so. Then they would need to take he or she (we still didn’t know!) to the NICU and start all of his/her central lines.

This is when it all became real to me. I was going to have this baby. My heart could not sustain him forever. He would be born into this broken world and his own heart would need to be operated on and heal and support him.

I broke down. I cried in that small birthing room with the ugly view, with the nurse I had just met and my husband.

I have had a few moments like this when my faith comes face to face with my feelings. I have faith, but I also have feelings (I’m human after all, and hormones don’t help!). What I have learned from these moments is that it’s okay to have the feelings. It’s okay to be fearful or angry, even with God.

I didn’t fully understand that I could be angry with God until my son was about three months old, and I am still learning how to be honest with God about how I’m feeling.

But I do know that God is big enough to handle my feelings. He wants me to be honest and he wants to comfort me in these moments. Can I truly have faith in Jesus if I’m not honest with him about my feelings?

Psalm 13 is a good example of being honest with our feelings but also choosing to believe God is faithful amidst the pain.

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him, ” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.”

Psalm 13:1-6